Brain Wave #12: Cranberry juice

 Brain Wave #12: Cranberry juice

Not just I haven't posted in a bit, the following post is just gonna be the amalgamation of two posts I wanted to make because I'm lazy, busy, and most of all forgetful lmao, let's get on with it.

Just like every end of semester I am at a point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about my body and I'm super unhealthy a way or another, just because I'm trying to concentrate on doing well in my exams. I am very much aware that there are many ways to approach this in a very healthy way of not killing myself in a sense, but I don't ever mind what I'm going through and it's just me being me. I'm trying to improve don't worry, I try to eat well and shit and not overwork, which has been a recurring problem for me; the point I'm trying to get to is "holy shit I'm completely destroyed" but at the same time I feel like I've overgrown this difficulty and matured enough for me to understand how to approach times like these and how not to survive like a hermit.

I am however still scared to death about the exams I'm going through, I wanted to write on Monday after my Advanced Dynamics exam, but you have no idea how exhausted I was after that, it was just a bad exam and I have 4 more to go through. But luckily the hardest one in my opinion is gone, and I'm not the only one who found it unpleasant lol. I gotta admit, at times I do think to myself: if first year physics is this hard, how bad must the following years be??? But it doesn't matter THAT much to me, because I realise that of course I'll try my best to keep going and I already know that I won't lose passion.

Wow I realise that the more I'm writing and putting down these things, I'm just consolidating myself, because that's grown up shit! B-)

Anyway, completely off topic: I really think that I would suck at being a parent. LMAO, ok I'm not getting sentimental again, hear me out, because I got some important points to make...I just feel like that I will never be able to hold such great responsibility and be able to teach about life to another human being that I just half made. What I mean is that other than my great fear of failure, which is definitely a big factor in the conversation but I am not going to expand on, I just think that I won't be able to successfully teach someone over YEARS how to get out there in the real world and then just start a life on their own, teaching them how to hold responsibilities and become a successful member of society (which is a completely different topic to definitely go into detail in another blog) and just become a person on their own right? Like sometimes, I do feel to myself that I try to hold a paternal figure towards certain people I know, for the sole reason that I wanna see them succeed in life, but then I think that I will never be able to do that myself from scratch. Now just forget everything I said because it's a whole mess, if you get it then good for you, if not give up on me hehe. Very aware that just like everything I say there is a much better way to put it down, but I just feel like putting it in my own language sometimes, otherwise it's not genuine enough from me.

Put that whole ass thing aside, I've been debating for months lately if I should start getting into audiobooks, because I mean yeah: I've been listening to podcasts relentlessly for the past year or so, and I feel like reading more books...but I don't know, because I want to READ books and I don't read fiction for most of the time, so I am very unsure on whether or not it would work. Of course the only way to find out is to try at once, but you know me it would take me ages to make the first step...
I do however have a few things I wanna get into this summer, just not to have the same boring ass life as always, y'know some hobbies to make my life livelier. First of all I have not been as big as a cinephile that I was before starting university, I will try to watch a movie a day as I used to do some time ago, only during the summer though, just to catch up on some new stuff and not make it unhealthy at the same time. Also, obviously I will not talk about movies with anyone, because we live in a society where you cannot have any opinions and talk about media without someone wanting to talk shit about you regardless. And yes, believe me, this happens in real life as well.
Secondly I really need to learn how to code properly, the python course I took this semester was kinda ass and I didn't do that much work anyway lol, but other than that I will try to learn C++ over the summer, as I know that for my field that's sort of the best programming language to learn.
Thirdly, going back with what I started with, will definitely read more, I am aware that I'm almost filling out ALL my free time, but I don't want to be the type of person who "becomes productive" for a week and drops all of it due to laziness, procrastination, and "having free time" so I'm trying to keep myself as busy as I can so I always have something to do that is not slacking. I don't know if I already talked about this, but I am already reducing my screen time on my phone, trying to be more productive and not doom scroll the whole day, already successful, am gonna keep it up because it feels freeing.
Finally, in this long ass paragraph, I really need to get back on studying Mandarin Chinese, holy fuck I haven't been studying since last semester's exams, I guess physics is just a busy major, or I'm just being a little bitch,,,or both I don't know.

If you read this far you got issue let me tell you, but I do appreciate that my thoughts are being read, you're a courageous person for making it this far and not thinking about slapping me in the face and tell me to shut the fuck up lmao. Anyway, that is all for me right now, this was just a big ass summary of everything I've been wanting to talk about so far, also because I have not been watching Better Call Saul in a few days because of exams. But getting all of this down really inspired me to get on with everything I want to do, so I'll get on it! That is all my friend.

Good bai for now, poposwag