Brain Wave #19: Yo, guess what

 Brain Wave #19: Yo, guess what

I be playing videogames and shit, and I'm not gonna lie sometimes I just miss studying.
I don't know if I already mentioned something along these lines, but ever since I got back home I've been so thrown off by not following my university daily routine. Like I work every morning and then a few afternoons during the week I do something work related, but otherwise it's either watch The Sopranos or play The Last of Us, or whatever single-player game I stumble upon, not gonna lie I just wish I was studying. If you know me enough, you know that I absolutely hate the school system, universally to be honest: I find it so boring to sit in a building for hours 5/6 days a week just learning shit; I really enjoy learning, but I always wanted to go to university because of the independence I get to learn what I like the way I understand it. Last summer it was pretty much the same as what I have this summer, but I don't know it just hits different, I did mention previously that I will definitely try to be as productive as I can during this time, and don't get me wrong, I'm also doing that alongside what I've already mentioned. But yeah, I don't know I think that this routine is just not for me, not physically because I got some days that are non stop from 6am to 9pm, but somewhat mentally I just "am not aware of my surroundings" these past couple of months, it's like I'm basically on autopilot: not forming that many thoughts as I would on a normal university day. This shit sounds so dumb, but the experience is actually so awkward.

I've been also confused on how to differentiate reality from imagination. Actually schizo, don't even need to mention it at this point...
I really don't know why but, also lately, I've been remembering dreams almost everyday and a lot of the times are about me at work, and every work day being pretty much the same doesn't help either lmao. I would be serving customers in the morning not being aware of whether it's real or fake or even what day it is. My conception of time is also kinda fucked up, again because every week is pretty much the same. Now, I know it's not the healthiest of things to experience, but at the same time I continue to convince myself that it isn't as bad as it seems (I don't blame you reader to think that I need to seek professional help asap) because y'know I'll be back to university soon, it's gonna be fine...
I've been keeping my headphones on most of the day as well, otherwise I think that living like this in silence will actually drive me insane. Especially at work, like could you imagine having hundreds of people everyday just talking about their bullshit everyday and actually having to listen to all of it? Which by the way I actually do because I have the ability not to just ignore people when they're talking and a lot of the times is annoying because I really don't care what they're saying but I just cannot stop myself from listening and if someone asks me something and I say "I wasn't listening" it's just a cop out answer does adding no punctuation make this entire discourse seem rushed as if this is a side thought in my head or am I just shit at writing? But yeah, I really wish that either: 1. I can overcome this uncomfortable feeling and enjoy my summer in peace, or 2. I stay stuck in this trance so deep that going back to university will give me an immense sense of liberation.

Wait, let me tell you this funny one. I literally had a dream last night, I'll try to write down as much as I can, where basically I was supposed to be in some sort of theatrical play or something and I entered to kind "impress a girl" but also kind of because I wanted to. However the day of the play, other than arriving late, I didn't study a single line, because y'know I just joined to impress a girl and shit, but I get there and all my friends are giving me really bad looks because I came as I had to say a line I didn't know, but also because in the rest of the play I was meant to sing and dance and shit, only then I remember that I am partially disabled, so what the fuck am I to do??? Dream finishes that I try to improvise the entire play, unfortunately I'm somehow humble in my own dreams and it does not go well for me, I then proceed to apologise to that girl and stuff and we decide to do the next play together and that we'll practice and stuff together. That was so fucking weird, I woke up that I was trying to connect the dots and shit, like what on earth just happened? Anyhow, I remember all the faces on stage and who the girl was, and of course I am not gonna go in detail because I would make it MUCH worse...

I was questioning myself for a bit whether I should talk about this or not, but I'll give it a shot, I've been learning not to care about people's judgement and shit, anyhow. I never went around telling, but during middle school I was a theatre boy, this whole dream story and what I'm about to tell is all because I was watching The Sopranos and Christopher is taking acting classes lol. And I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't praise myself saying I was kind of a good actor, but I received compliments from the teacher, ok? This whole thing made me wonder, what if I kept chasing that hobby alongside my interests. I mean, I think acting teaches people a lot in a lot of things: could be diction, or psychology in some way, such and such, and honestly I think that it is something really good to learn, I mean I don't have lots of words on that, but I just feel like that maybe I should've kept going after middle school, if only my options weren't as limited. I really miss all of what I did back then to be honest.

Good bai for now, poposwag